We were singing in church one night and as usual many of the younger children were jumping and dancing along with the music. Suddenly a song we had sung a thousand times seemed to open a portal to the past. A couple of girls next to me were doing a choreography dance to “I give you the Glory” and I was suddenly transported in my mind to 9 years ago.
The first time I saw Yessy do that same dance she was around 12 years old. She had a look of innocence in her eyes and a messy bun on top of her head as she danced carefree in the presence of the Lord, giving him Glory. She wasn't hindered by the other girls her age who watched on, too embarrassed to dance now that they were growing up. She had a free spirit and a beautiful soul. Yessy had a way of always bringing a smile to my face even in the midst of her mischief. When she died last year my heart broke into a thousand pieces and it still hurts thinking of ‘unfinished business’ in her life. I often ask God why.
That night in church it’s like all the tears I have fought back over this past (very difficult) year came flooding out while we sang and I couldn’t get that image of Yessy out of my head. It literally haunted me for days and each time I ‘saw’ her I broke down again. The truth is I haven’t allowed myself to cry much this year. I have tried to be strong for all of those around me and in doing so have closed off my emotions. Maybe even before this year. I don’t write much anymore just because I can’t seem to get the words out. I don’t know how to express all that has happened... difficult times and blessings. I think it started when Ariel died. A part of my heart died with him and I didn’t know how to grieve. Then our Faith Home kids were growing up and leaving so fast I couldn’t absorb it all. I love each one as my own and with each one that leaves and has to find life on their own outside the gates, another part of my heart breaks. How many pieces do I have left? I internalized it all.
Back to Yessy. Several days of seeing her in my mind and ugly crying, then we go back to church. The very first song Henry plays is the SAME one that started this whole opening the flood gates in my eyes and heart. So I closed my eyes and prayed throughout the song “God show me what this means”. As we sang “I Give you the Glory” I saw a different image of Yessy. She was dancing at the feet of Jesus singing with all of her innocent heart, giving Him glory for her life. So I did too.
God you know the days you need us here on this earth. And I trust that you knew when and why Yessy went home to be with you so soon. I give you glory Lord for all and trust that you hold each and every one of our children, young and old, in the palm of your hands. Thank you Lord for opening those floodgates and allowing me to cry it out so you can pour more into my heart. Amen
